


Love Dares You to Change

by Ithinkwehaveanemergency



Series: Love's Such An Old Fashioned Word [2]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Bisexual Evan "Buck" Buckley, Buck/Josh Endgame, Fluff, Light Angst, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Past Relationship(s), Unrequited Love, a lot of it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-22
Updated: 2020-11-22
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:21:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27672634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ithinkwehaveanemergency/pseuds/Ithinkwehaveanemergency
Summary: Later, Buck stares at himself in the mirror and frowns.  He's more heartbroken than he thought he would be.  He curses his constant tendency to fall for people too easily.  He'd thought after all those girls and guys he'd dated casually and hooked up with, he was past all that.He makes a promise to himself to not catch feelings anymore.  He needs to focus on himself and being a firefighter, something it's looking like he'll be great at.  That's what he should be thinking about, and nothing else.OrThe five times Buck falls for a guy he can't be with, and the time he falls for someone who is already head over heels for him.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Josh Russo, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Original Male Character(s), Evan “Buck” Buckley & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Series: Love's Such An Old Fashioned Word [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2023490
Comments: 8
Kudos: 125





	Love Dares You to Change

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is just about Buck's life growing up and becoming the person he is in Canon. His background is completely made up and based on the previous fic in this series, but you do not have to read that one first.
> 
> This fic is Jevan endgame, but there is zero Eddie bashing. Buddie is essentially as it is in canon.

1.

Buck is almost 18 years old when he accidentally tells Jesse Wilkinson that he loves him while they're fooling around.

It just comes out. He doesn't know why he says it, but he was just caught up in the moment.

"You're great and all Evan, but this just isn't gonna be a thing." Jesse looks up at him from the bed after they've cleaned up. The boy sighs and runs his hand through his soft mussed up hair. "It's 2008. I'm not about to shove myself back into the closet for someone."

Buck looks up from buttoning his pants and blinks at his neighbor in shock.

"Uhh…"

Jesse reaches for his glasses on the bedside table and places them on his thin, elegant nose. Buck can't help but think Jesse is so very adorable, even while his heart is breaking inside his chest. The taller boy sits up and grabs Buck's hand.

"I like you, Evan." Jesse tangles their fingers together and looks up through the black rimmed glasses. His cheeks are still red with exertion, or maybe it's embarrassment at Buck's clearly unwanted confession just moments before. "In fact, I like you way too much! Which is why we should stop this before someone gets hurt."

"But I never said I would make you hide this." Buck protests weakly, staring down at the other boy's hands. He narrows his eyes in frustration at the bitten-down nails painted with chipped yellow polish that Buck had watched him put on the week before, right before he taught Buck how to play Blackbird on guitar.

"Well, if I wanted to introduce you to my parents as my boyfriend, would you be cool with that?" Jesse raises an eyebrow at him, swinging their entangled hands back and forth in front of him. "And if I wanted you to make an ass of yourself asking me to prom in front of the whole school, just like you did last year with Becca Thorton... Could you do that for me?"

Buck frowns even deeper when the answer gets stuck in his throat and refuses to come out. He glances back to meet Jesse's gaze and sees the cute young musician smiling at him fondly.

"I'm sorry, Evan. I really am." Jesse whispers and stands up. He leans down and presses his lips to Buck's softly. He kisses him like he's starting something, and not ending it. Buck's heart breaks knowing it's the last time, but he doesn't pull back, drawing it out for a minute before Jesse separates them and presses their forehead together. "And I am going to miss this.  _ A lot _ . I can't really even believe I'm calling things off with the hottest guy in school… But I can't get attached to someone who isn't ready to be with me."

"Okay." Buck nods gently, his forehead knocking against the glasses of the tall gangly boy he's known for most of his life. He doesn't ask if they can still be friends. He doesn't beg him to reconsider. He just steps back and untangles their fingers. "See you in class Monday. Don't forget to study for the quiz on electrons."

Jesse barks out a laugh in surprise and Buck tries his damnedest to give him a smile on the way out.

He walks the five houses down to his own home and creeps inside, trying not to wake his mother with the creak of his bedroom door.

He throws himself on the bed and stares at the ceiling. It's littered with those glow-in-the-dark stars kids used to put up in their bedrooms. He remembers when he and Maddie had put them on his ceiling. He was nine years old, and it was back when his sister hadn't left for college yet. He barely remembers those days. But he remembers her pulling out a book of constellations and telling him which ones she was building as she climbed onto the precarious top step of a step ladder and pressed them into the stucco.

Buck looks at the little dipper and thinks about texting his sister.

He doesn't, in the end. He just turns over and falls asleep with a burning feeling aching in his chest.

2.

Buck meets Brenton when he travels to Michigan for Maddie's wedding.

He dances with a bunch of college kids while Maddie and Doug are having a second drink. Buck catches Brenton's eye across the group of twenty-somethings and he instantly  _ knows _ this really hot guy wants in his pants.

They don't talk directly other than an introduction over shots at one point, but when Maddie tells him they're leaving, Buck takes a chance and approaches the shorter blonde college student.

"I'm in town another couple days." Buck whispers in the handsome man's ear.

"Oh yeah?" Brenton chuckles and extends his hand to give Buck his phone. Buck texts himself quickly and gives it back. "You're cute, Evan. Cocky, too. I like it."

Buck grins and hustles back to Maddie and Doug before the latter of the two gets more annoyed that he already had been.

Buck is invited to stay at Brenton's frat house a day later and the slightly older man spends hours showing Buck things he'd never seen or heard of, even on pornhub.

Buck doesn't have much to go on at that point but port, his relationship with Jesse short-lived and full of quick, irresponsible hand jobs or blow jobs. Brenton is something else entirely, his drawer stocked with condoms and lube of varying types, dental dams, even vibrators and handcuffs. Brenton is the president of the Democrats Club on his college campus and also heavily involved in campus events of all kinds.

Buck visits him once or twice before graduation and meets a bunch of his friends. Then he spends an entire summer with them in Chicago, where almost all of them have moved post-grad.

For a while, Buck almost feels like he belongs somewhere.

Buck takes a bunch of saved up money and moves to an apartment in Naperville a little over a year after he's met Brenton, with the explicit intent of asking the man if he wants to be in a relationship.

Buck has a housewarming and invites Brenton and some of the other college kids he'd grown to like.

It all backfires splendidly when Brenton brings a girlfriend with him.

Bucks listens politely as Brenton goes on and on about law school, his gorgeous girlfriend sitting by his side sipping expensive wine that  _ they _ brought as a housewarming pressing.

When the night is over, he's moderately tipsy and invites one of the girls he'd known since that night at the country dancing bar to stay overnight.

They date and Buck truly likes her when he gets to know her better.

It helps for a bit, and Buck eventually forgets how hard he'd fallen for a guy he barely knew.

Buck should have known that developing a crush on a guy named Brenton was a bad move, but in the end, it brings him closer to Maddie and her new life, and that is something he really needs after spending the last couple years feeling like he's lost his family completely.

3.

Curtis is the first person who suggests he get into firefighting.

Buck has a job for a few months at a coffee shop across from his apartment. He's not great and making drinks, but he's wonderful with the customers, so the owner keeps him on anyway.

The coffee shop is down the street from a fire station and is frequented by the friendly men and women who work there. Buck gets to know a couple by name and they're generous with tips even though his drinks aren't decorated with fancy foam art like most baristas at the shop.

Curtis comes in on a Sunday wearing a training uniform and smiles at Buck with the biggest, toothiest grin, and Buck is instantly gone for the guy. He's outrageous handsome, and Buck stutters his way through their first couple interactions, constantly getting lost in the man's dark green eyes. He fucks up the man's second drink completely, too busy eyeing the man's forearms and hands, strong muscles evident under dark caramel toned skin.

Curtis comes in at least four days a week for the next two weeks before Buck gets the courage to strike up a real conversation about something other than espresso.

"So you're a trainee, huh?" Buck smirks across the bar as he makes Curtis' drink. "Wish I could do something like that."

"Why don't you?" Curtis responds with a shrug and a frown.

And that's how Buck starts his journey to becoming a firefighter.

They become very close friends, Curtis helping with every step of the process that Buck needs to complete just to qualify for the program.

They go out for dinner every Friday, but that eventually turns into just takeout at Buck's place. Curtis lives with his two sisters and appreciates the time and space to himself with another dude.

Buck just appreciates Curtis.

He knows he has a crush on Curtis, but it takes such a backseat to how nice it is to just have a friend and fellow trainee essentially hold his hand through this next phase of his life.

But then Buck lets the lines get blurry.

They come back from a night out at a dancing bar with a few of Curtis' sisters' friends. The stumble through the door, not drunk, just giddy and tired from an exhausting week. The collapse on the couch side by side, shoulders pressed together, and the warmth from the muscular man makes Buck's stomach coil in knots.

Buck looks away from the random TV movie they'd turned on. He takes in his friend's features. His face is scruffier than usual and Buck wishes he knew how it felt against his own cheek.

It might be the beer going to his head, or the fact that he'd seen Curtis dancing with one of his sister's friends who was gay and hitting on both of them all night, or maybe he just can't take not  _ knowing  _ anymore, but whatever the reason, when Curtis turns to look at him in question, Buck leans in to kiss the beautiful young man.

"Buck, I'm not-" Curtis whispers, tilting his head away obviously. Buck pulls back immediately, turning bright red. He scoots a couple inches away immediately, his side going cold in contrast to the heat consuming his face and neck.

"I'm sorry, I don't know why I did that." Buck shakes his head and takes a sip of his beer. He stares ahead at the screen, a life alert commercial. Buck lets out a snort at the irony.

"Buck, I'm sorry if I made you think…" Curtis trails off. "We're still cool right? I'm… I'm not weirded out or anything, you know that right?"

"Yeah. We're fine. No, I just… it was just a stupid idea. Forget about it." Buck glances back over and forces a smile.

Later, Buck stares at himself in the mirror and frowns. He's more heartbroken than he thought he would be. He curses his constant tendency to fall for people too easily. He'd thought after all those girls and guys he'd dated casually and hooked up with, he was past all that.

He makes a promise to himself to not catch feelings anymore. He needs to focus on himself and being a firefighter, something it's looking like he'll be great at. That's what he should be thinking about, and nothing else.

Curtis doesn't tell the others, at least as far as Buck can tell, but their relationship is strained to say the least. Curtis comes over for beers every friday, but he's always looking at Buck like he's sorry for something.

Buck can't take it for long. A Southern Californian fire chief and a member of CalFire come to talk to the trainees one day. They promise a moving stipend and housing for six months for anyone willing to relocate to the sunny state. It's not much, but it's enough to get started, and the pay is pretty good for seasoned firefighters in their state.

Buck makes the impulsive decision to go, not thinking of anyone but himself for once in his life. He forgets about Maddie even, barely thinking to tell he's leaving through a text just a day before he hops on a plane to LAX, just like he'd heard about in a song.

Buck doesn't even discuss it with Curtis, but he knows his friend will understand.

Just like when he left Pennsylvania, Buck doesn't look back.

4.

Jesse Wilkinson is the last person that Buck expects to run into when he moves to LA.

Buck is at the Roosevelt's rooftop bar when he sees the shaggy haired, ruggedly handsome man. His cheekbones are a bit more pronounced and he seems like he's grown another couple inches past the six feet he measured at half a decade before. Buck is with a couple tourist girls he and some of his fellow trainees had made friends with after work, but his eyes don't leave the man who seems to be bar-backing on the other end of the rooftop.

He excuses himself from his company and wanders over to where Jesse is working. He notices the bartender is slammed with a party's massive shot order and so he leans a bit over the bar.

"Hey." Buck raises his voice so that Jesse will hear him.

"Dana will get your drink in a second, bud." Jesse calls back over his shoulder as he rinses pint glasses.

"Jesse." Buck tries again.

The now bleach-blonde man turns around so fast he fumbles the glass in his hands. Thankfully he recovers without dropping it, and sets the glass down before gawking at the man across the bar from him.

"Holy shit. Evan Buckley." Jesse laughs, coming out from behind the bar and wrapping his old friend in long, muscular arms that Buck  _ definitely  _ doesn't remember. 

They have a whirlwind romance that sweeps the rug out from under Buck. He hasn't felt anything for a man since Curtis, and honestly hadn't felt much for the slew of women he'd dated after Brenton. But with Jesse, everything is instantly so comfortable. They go out in public and hold hands and make out like the infatuated high schoolers they once were.

The promise to himself not to fall in love is forgotten easily as he grows closer and closer to the first boy he'd ever cared for.

Buck thinks this is it. It's destiny that he's found Jesse on the opposite side of the country. This is his chance to lock things down with the one who got away. He wakes up one morning, determined to tell Jesse he wants to bring him to the holiday party at the station he's just transferred to, his way of coming out to his brand new crew, who he  _ knows _ will love Jesse, they're the most amazing people he's ever met.

And then he shows up at Jesse's to find that he's not the only person the blonde musician has been seeing.

Buck is sitting in his Jeep still when he sees Jesse and his other lover making out against a car he's never seen before. It's intimate enough to be indecent for such a public spot, and Buck peels out of his parking spot without caring that he probably drew their attention.

He chucks the flowers and hot tea latte he'd bought out the window as he reaches the freeway entrance.

An LAPD officer sees his littering and pulls him over, but after he is silent and cooperative, Officer Grant runs his license and finds his occupation. He gets off with a warning and a scolding as the woman guarantees she's going to tell his commanding officer.

Buck nods solemnly and goes home, throwing on running gear and sprinting to the point of exhaustion just so he doesn't have to think about Jesse  _ fucking _ Wilkinson ever again.

He calls Maddie.

Maddie's phone is disconnected.

Buck panics and then reasons that she must have just forgotten to tell him she got a new number.

He shoots her an email and wills himself to calm down and just move on. He's got a great job with great coworkers and plenty of people who care about him.

Maddie will message him back eventually. He just hopes she's okay. He really hopes she's better than he is.

5.

Eddie Diaz enters Buck's life in a whirlwind.

Buck is reeling from the last year of his life. After Jesse, life had been a constant climb and then spiral downward, over and over in a routine that he just couldn't break.

Figuring out he has a lot of unaddressed issues was step one. And he's been working on them ever since. Abby had been helpful, but at the same time he can't help but think it'd been a crutch in a time when he needed someone like her, someone who takes care of others and is selfless and wonderful and everything he's never known.

But when she leaves, Eddie comes into his life. At first he doesn't realize it, but he projects some of that frustration onto the slightly older man.

But then he gets to know Eddie. And  _ Christopher _ . And they become his world, and soon enough he's fallen as hard as he always has.

He realizes it early on, when they're out one night with Chris and a friendly Santa Shop Elf mistakes them as a couple. Buck instantly gets that happy fluttering feeling in his chest and he just  _ knows _ that he will do anything for these two guys that have let him into their family.

And then Shannon comes to find her family.

It's not that Buck really thought he had a chance before, it's just that there's too much history with Eddie and his wife, and Buck has to step away and tell himself he's never going to be  _ that _ to his best friend. Eddie isn't going to want what Buck wants from this.

Buck is fine with it, and then everything goes to shit.

Shannon dies and Eddie  _ needs him _ .

Buck tries to keep his distance all while being there whenever Eddie needs him. Sometimes that involves holding Eddie as he cries silently, and then not mentioning the next day that Eddie fell asleep in his arms. The whole situation is fucked to hell and Buck will do  _ anything  _ for Eddie, but even he has to draw lines when Eddie seeks a little more physical comfort than he should on a lonely, sad, rainy Saturday night.

Chris is with family and Eddie has had two too many drinks. Buck is tipsy but he's not so weak that he'll put them in a place they'll both regret.

They face each other in Eddie's bed, just talking and being  _ them _ , and Eddie closes the distance between their mouths with a strange conviction. It's not unpleasant, but it doesn't take more than a moment to feel that there isn't anything there.

"Don't do this if it's just grief, Eddie." Buck whispers as he pulls back, keeping Eddie close, but turning away and staring up at the ceiling. The fit, handsome man freezes in his arms, muscles going taught where they were loose and relaxed moments before. Buck sighs and rubs his back, trying to get him to relax. "It's okay that you're still grieving,  _ man it's only been a few months. _ You're  _ okay _ , Eddie. I'm here, and I'm sorry if I ever wasn't. I'm _ so  _ sorry. But I can't be that for you. Because you must know how I feel about you. And maybe that's why you're doing this, but you don't have to, Eddie. I'm gonna love you no matter what, and I'm gonna love Chris, and I'm gonna take care of you. You're my best friend, alright?  _ I got you _ ."

Eddie lets out a sob and crumbles, falling heavily into Buck's embrace. 

"I'm sorry." Eddie cries and Buck holds him tight, rubbing his back like he would Chris' when the kid was sick.

Eddie keeps saying sorry and Buck keeps telling him it's alright until Eddie falls asleep.

Eddie says it again in the morning.

"Eddie, I meant everything I said, man." Buck smiles up at him. "You guys are my family, no matter what."

Eddie turns red and swallows thickly as he hands Buck some breakfast.

They sit in tense silence until Buck finds a cute cat pic while scrolling through his phone. He laughs out loud and turns his phone to show Eddie, who laughs loudly as well, relief evident in his expression.

Everything is fine after that.

Buck thinks that maybe they're even closer than they were before, the feelings he held for his best friend finally falling away like some forgotten dream.

He talks to Maddie about him one day and realizes it really is history, no matter how deep his love for his best friend is. He wants to tell Maddie everything right then and there, but he figures that it can wait. He knows his sister loves him unconditionally. He's just glad to have her back.

+1.

Flirting with Josh is easy the moment they meet. Buck isn't too aggressive about it, still nursing his broken heart from Jesse, Abby, Eddie, Ali and literally every person he's fallen for in the past ten years of his life.

Buck makes sure that Maddie approves before he actually makes a move. He's glad for it, because it ends on a much needed, cathartic bonding session between the siblings, and Chimney too, who is an extension of Maddie these days.

He does ask Josh out though, calls him right after he leaves dinner with Chimney and Maddie.

"Hey, do you happen to like Guy Ritchie?" Buck asks when Josh answers the phone.

Josh laughs softly through the speaker and Buck is grinning even before he answers.

"I don't know who the  _ hell _ that is, but if you're asking me on a date, Evan Buckley, then  _ yes _ , yes I do."

And so they date.

They move pretty slowly for a month, both of them pretty wary of jumping into things considering their growing friendship being on the line.

Eventually Maddie corners them and says she and Chimney are going on an adults-only dinner night with Hen and Karen. Her extended invitation is less of a request and more of a demand. But they have a great night with everyone at a local bar. Surprisingly, neither are shy nor hesitant as they sit with the other couples. They hold hands and even kiss when they think that no one is paying attention.

That night, Josh spends the night at Buck's for the first time. Not that they hadn't fooled around a little on a couple of other dates, but something about saying goodnight to the other two couples makes Buck want to bring Josh straight home and keep him there as long as possible.

After another couple weeks, they're to the point where they never sleep apart, each having toiletries and clothes to spare at the other's place. Buck has never been happier, and every time he looks at Josh, the man smiles back at him in a way no one, not even Abby, ever has before.

"God, I love you so much." Buck blurts it out one winter night when they've crept out of bed for late night tea and television. He's been leaning back against the arm of the sofa, staring at Josh across the darkness. The thirty-four year old looks so content, his soft features visible in the glowing light of the TV screen. Buck can't help it when his thoughts escape his lips.

Josh turns to him, smile wide and eyes sparkling in surprise.

"I love you too, Buck." He says, barely able to form words around his toothy grin.

" _ You love me? _ " Buck's face twists in shock and confusion, which in turn makes Josh's smile fade.

The smaller man sets his tea on the coffee table and scoots closer to Buck on the couch, pulling his knees up so they're facing each other. He frowns for a moment, searching Buck's earnest expression before leaning in to kiss him softly, just a quick press of lips to assure Buck this is real. He pulls away with a sigh and soft laugh.

"Evan, you are _such_ a good man. I need you to know that, okay?" Josh reaches up and smooths the wrinkles from his boyfriend's forehead. His smile returns as Buck nuzzles into his hand. "I don't know how I lucked out and got someone like you to love me, but it doesn't matter. I'm so in love with you, _I've_ _been_ so in love with you, and I will make sure to show you that every day for as long as you'll let me."

Buck shuts his eyes and swallows against the lump in his throat.

"I like it when you call me Evan." Buck whispers, his voice tight and gravelly as he tries not to let emotion get the better of him. When he opens his eyes, Josh's eyes are watering, but he's grinning just as wide as he had been before Buck had his moment of insecurity and panic.

"I love you, Evan." Josh says, true to his word, as always.

Buck, not trusting himself to say anything else, chuckles and pulls his lover into his lap for a kiss.

Or maybe several, since they're in love and that's what you do when you find someone who loves you as much as you love them.

Buck doesn't really know what that's like, but he's positive he's going to find out everyday for as long as Josh is by his side.


End file.
